The word Detachment was new to me, and Letting Go – I had learnt these two words in 2021. I am amazed by the word “Attachment“. I thought attachment adds values, but I forgot it only adds values in the emails; but in real life, attachment adds miseries and not value. They rip your heart, turn you from wise to miserable and changes your perspective.
I shiver a bit when I write it out; sometimes, my hand freezes not because of the cold weather but because of how I have lost the warmth. Don’t you think you have become too harsh from the outside – the creepy voice is interfering, but I shh it out. I know my heart does not allow me to be ruthless; it still has the kindness that had got rusted. These days I don’t feel like talking to anyone – I have stopped chasing my friends, asking them about their whereabouts, which I was constantly doing without realizing that they have now become someone else’s part of lives.
A part of me was still excited to go out and meet new people, but a part of me pulled me from my thoughts, knowing that some people are not worthy of your time and emotions. I have started this validation now, which earlier I had not been validating. So I started deriving the definition of DETACHMENT – it is good to be away from people and to find the whole in yourself like you have to be friends with yourself. Nowadays, I read a lot about taking yourself on dates, giving yourself a pep talk, but all this will only come when I learn to know myself. I usually look for answers when I look at the old photographs that made me smile – I ask myself whether I was happy or pretence.
Today when I was looking at the old picture of me holding a glass of coke and having that bit of burger in the office party, I found that I was smiling because of the people with whom I had the attachment and not because of the burger I was holding. The burger that I ordered last night was better in taste, but the people around me are bland. I feel they are self-centered – it is good to mind your own business, but I miss that warmth when I look around. I see new faces; they are not harmful, but they are not friendly. I was never into this friendliness zone before. Nowadays, I measure everything, and I have started to label things – was I normal or was I feeling different that made me label such things or feelings or whatever.
Letting Go – OMG, this word I have been reading for a long time. How can someone let go of the feelings for someone that easily? I deserved that affection and love because I reciprocated the same. Whenever I discuss with my friends, they have told me that “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON – YOU DESERVE BETTER”. Okay, I need to understand that I have to stop picking up the wrong people in my life, or I have understood that if I did not pick up the dishonest people, I would have never learnt the unerring lessons. So one night, I decided to delete all the photos I had taken and delete them in one go. Later I double-checked in the Trash if it got deleted or not. I wrote the letter to that person for all the mistakes I made – I had to give up on someone, and I had learnt that you are not supposed to give up on someone you LOVE. So I gave up on myself – I did not love myself for choosing people who were not sure about me.
I thought later on whether you are always sure about someone, like one hundred per cent sure when you date them. When I read stories about people having relationships for more than five years, or say ten years, I feel what made them hold on to that person for so long. Anyways coming again to the word DETACHMENT – now I have known why I had an attachment to people – not because of their coolness or similarities I had found in them but because I was not aware of my strengths and weakness. It takes a lot of time to understand yourself. I was always busy measuring the good and the bad in the people when I met them. Was it always like that from the beginning, or was I escaping from myself to blame the fate that I always ended up with the wrong people?
The notification drew my attention – it said It was a MATCH. I uninstalled the application. Let me first Date myself, so I can know what I am up to so I can open myself to others without any fear or insecurity. Let me find my strengths and face my fears, so I don’t get the same famous line of “You deserve better”. Of course, I deserve better. Have you heard of anyone who wants anything less than they deserve? You need to know your definition of LESS and MORE – so you can cook the recipe with the right ingredients.
Remember what Mom said when you were learning to cook that “Always taste the dish before you serve to others to adjust the taste before someone else can make a judgement”. I better make that mantra of my life and put in place it in all aspects. If I learn to put in place those tips, I don’t have to look at those words again, “DETACHMENT and LETTING GO”.
My entire life will sort out if I can achieve a simple and effective step. I have promised myself that 2022 will be a better one, not because I will read many books, complete all the courses, launch the books but because I have learned to heal and forgive my old mistakes. I have turned the page of a diary because I have filled the first one writing out all the things that occupied my mind. , I have to turn the chapter of my life because I want to forget everything that happened in the past. I want to carry forward the learnt lessons to write fresh thoughts and blessings.
Are you promising yourself to be BETTER?
Yes, I promise to myself to be BETTER – I have highlighted the letter as a reminder of what highlight means to me.
Thank you so much for always listening to me. No wonder I would look worst if I had discussed it with someone. I am tired of listening to the same lines, and it makes more sense when you talk with yourself.
I will come back again with something new to keep you posted on what is going in my life. Till then take care.
Lots of Love,
Your dearest diary writer!